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Women's Restroom:
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed
his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of
the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons
he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA,PP, and a red one
labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice
feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater
pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his
underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies
restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down
at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is
under your pillow."
Men Never Listen
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed
his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of
the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons
he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA,PP, and a red one
labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice
feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater
pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his
underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies
restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down
at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is
under your pillow."
Men Never Listen
Everybody wonders why so many hurricanes are named after Women.
It's because they start off WET and WILD,
And when they leave they take your house, your car, and anything else they want.
It's because they start off WET and WILD,
And when they leave they take your house, your car, and anything else they want.
One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat
directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up.
When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties, He
sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water.
To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you
saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500."
So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "OK." She said, "Come here tomorrow at
2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home
and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a
matter of fact, he did."
Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till
this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYA ! ! !
directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up.
When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties, He
sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water.
To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you
saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500."
So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "OK." She said, "Come here tomorrow at
2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home
and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a
matter of fact, he did."
Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till
this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYA ! ! !
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married! The other night I was invited
out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded,
I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed
3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I
was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a
possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!).
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't
seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo
clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table
and farted."
out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded,
I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed
3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I
was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a
possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!).
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't
seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo
clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table
and farted."
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and
noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He
went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his
penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking
up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady,
''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked
for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about
it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He
went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his
penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking
up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady,
''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked
for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about
it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking
woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and
the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the
rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks
great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went in to town one Saturday night. One o'clock came,
however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around
two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with
a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take
it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,
ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes
in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light
of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and
the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the
rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks
great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went in to town one Saturday night. One o'clock came,
however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around
two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with
a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take
it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,
ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes
in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light
of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down
behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched
behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is
crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched
behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is
crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist ...and the fourth man was a
Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the
desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do
your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided
them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed
that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee-Break, do your stuff." Coffee-Break
jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, clobbered the other
three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist ...and the fourth man was a
Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the
desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do
your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided
them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed
that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee-Break, do your stuff." Coffee-Break
jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, clobbered the other
three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
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